Oh Jesus. It’s back. My stupid ass reviews of stupid non-conference games for the Big Ten. Last year I wanted to touch upon prospects, storylines and degenerate things. This year will be exactly the same! Big Ten Preview 2.0. Bigger. Better. More Co-Eds. More Bullshit.
With this being Week Two and these games should mostly be blow outs in favor of the Big Ten, it is challenging to take out anything meaningful from these games. Therefore, everything will be non-meaningful.
New Hampshire @ Minnesota
If you didn’t go to either one of these schools, aren’t gambling on a game that I can’t find a line for, or have a family member participating, you need to re-prioritize your life. You are wasting it. That is a fact. Minnesota came off an “impressive” win last week against UNLV in triple overtime. New Hampshire beat Holy Cross. Who has any clue if that is impressive or not.
Best Player Name: Seamus (Shame-iss) O’Neill of UNH.
UCF @ No. 14 Ohio State (-18)
This will be boring. Urban Meyer doesn’t screw around. If his players do happen to screw around, he’ll make sure they get arrested. Don’t piss off Urban Meyer.
Best Player Name: Nicco Whigham (WIG-em) of UCF. Say it fast and talk to a baby.
Penn State @ Virginia (-10)
The only thing that matters about this game is that Penn State loses. Screw that school.
Best Player Name: Canaan Severin (CANE-in) of Virginia. Honorable mention: Coach Bill Layzor (LAY-zor).
Purdue @ No. 22 Notre Dame (-14)
I don’t like Purdue. I like Robbie Hummel. You should know that about me. I used to like Notre Dame. I no longer like Notre Dame. I hope both teams lose. Judgment day should begin on Friday. If that doesn’t happen, this game could be quite intriguing. Notre Dame is coming back from an Irish stomping of Navy, whereas Purdue had their own easy win against Eastern Kentucky. Coach Brian Kelly is making sure his defensive unit is prepared for any of the possible three quarterbacks Purdue might put on the field, a task that might be easier said than done after competing against the Midshipmen’s triple threat option. Purdue’s strength is on the defensive line, whereas Notre Dame’s is their offensive line. Prepare to get physical.
Best Player Name: Jamoris Slaughter of Notre Dame. God damn, what a guy.
Indiana (-14) @ Massachusetts
If you don’t take UMass and the points and call yourself a gambler you should do something. You should do something to stop yourself from throwing away your damn money. Adopt a dog and then buy food for the dog and treats for the dog and toys for the dog with the money you would be placing on stupid ass bets like IU covering. If you’re out there, do that. They are playing this game at Gilette Stadium. Lucky sons of guns.
Best Player Name: Jovan Santos-Knox (JOH-vahn) of UMass
Air Force @ No. 19 Michigan (-21)
Poor, poor Air Force. They will have to be the ones getting their throats stepped on just because Michigan thinks they can play with the big boys. Not to mention this game is AT the Big House. I guess getting your ass kicked is better than playing Idaho. Maybe I’m wrong. Someone ask the Air Force players after they lose.
Best Player Name: Moshood Adeniji (Mo-SHOO-d uh-DEN-uh-GEE) of Air Force.
No. 11 Michigan State (-19) @ Central Michigan
About time the rankings reflect the better team in the state of Michigan. And I don’t even like State. Tom Izzo is a great human being though. Had the opportunity of listening to him at the Big Ten Basketball Media Day last year thanks to Midway Madness. Sorry there was no football in this preview. Expect State to cover. There you go. Also, the line is blaming last week’s three interceptions on the line. Don’t misidentify the problem to make someone not feel like shit. Let him know that is in the past and he can improve.
Best Player Name: Connor Odykirk of CMU. His freshman brother Colton is also on the team.
Iowa State @ Iowa (-4)
These two teams play for an item: the Cy-Hawk Trophy. The rivalry is 118 years old and Iowa leads the series 39 games to 20. Wait, that doesn’t add up. For some reason there was a 43-year break from 1920 to 1933 and from 1934 to 1977. I love the idea of playing for things. It makes it so much more exciting, especially in college football where you can’t “get paid”. What they SHOULD be playing for is using the losing team as farm labor for one month out of the year. That idea sucks. You suggest your own in the comments or tweet me a suggestion.
Best Player Name: Quenton Bundrage of ISU.
No. 13 Wisconsin (-7) @ Oregon State
Upset alert special here. When you have a new quarterback, six new members of the coaching staff and your Heisman running back was stabbed, it might be easy to see why. Hopefully Wisconsin has been breaking practice rules to right the Badger. Coach Brett Bielema has refused to send Oregon State their game tape, so that all but confirms he would like to win and keep his job.
Best Player Name: Rusty Fernando of Oregon State. I literally said, “Oh shit” when I found his name.
No. 16 Nebraska (-5) @ UCLA
This game could be interesting. UCLA’s quarterback, Brett Hundley, ran for a 72-yard touchdown on the first play of the game. The team recorded a total of 646 total yards against Rice last week. I proclaim this game a must-watch for serious AND casual college football fans. Rex Burkhead is listed as questionable for the game. Lord save the Cornhuskers if the entire offense is to rely on Taylor Martinez. Nebraska should still win, but I won’t be surprised if it is by less than a touchdown.
Best Player Name: Randall Goforth of UCLA.
Vanderbilt (-3) @ Northwestern
This game will determine if Mackinley Salk heads into a four-month depression or maintains sanity for another week. His idol, Jay Cutler, recently spoke out about this matchup: “We have better athletes, too much speed…SEC” He also predicted the Commodores to win by three. Salk was found in the stalls of Justin’s Bar and Grill crying naked while holding Jay Cutler’s jersey.
Just because Vanderbilt almost beat South Carolina and Northwestern blew a 28-point lead in their respective games doesn’t mean we know who will win this game. But seriously, we do know who will win this game.
Best Player Name: Archibald Barnes of Vanderbilt. I’ve got a soft spot for Archibald.
Illinois @ Arizona State (-4)
I hate Illinois and I hate Arizona State. If you want something to read about this game, go read the preview by our guy Adam. He knows infinite times more about the Illini than I do.
Best Player Name: Vi Tiofilo of ASU.
Remember to tweet at me, @kyle_gatlin, I know how to talk about things other than sports.