Big Ten Week 3 Preview: Bored Already

If it wasn’t for the Notre Dame vs. Michigan State match up this weekend, it would be the worst weekend in the history of the Big Ten. The only opponent that is ranked happens to be Notre Dame, who plays Michigan State for all the marbles. Excuse me, all the WEEK THREE marbles. Seriously, I’m trying to keep these write ups interesting for the reader but it is so god damn hard when everything should be a blowout. It’s like the college season is only eight games long with three preseason games. What the hell is that? Instead of letting teams pick who they get to play, a formula should be adopted that sets up the first three non-conference games against opponents who have similar records from the previous season, margin of victory, etc. THIS GUY LIKES THE BCS! BURN HIM! Oh fuck off, you try writing about Charleston Southern and Eastern Michigan.

Western Michigan @ Minnesota (-2.5)

Our own Mackinley Salk attended Western Michigan when he was a wee lad. You might not believe this, but if I remember correctly, he doesn’t have the nicest things to say about the campus. I actually don’t think he remembers his time there. Minnesota has a real good chance of going 3-0 for the first time since the 2008 season. I guess that is worth watching?

Best Player Name: Tronic Williams of Western Michigan. I wonder what his nickname is? I really hope it’s Chronic Tronic.

Arkansas State @ Nebraska (-24)

Rex Burkhead is listed as doubtful for Saturday’s game against the Red Wolves. Taylor Martinez has so far proven that he can thrive against teams east of 95W longitude, so Burkhead healing should not be a problem. I never knew this, but Arkansas State, sometimes stAte, has a cool new logo. Other team mascots have included Aggies, Gorillas, Warriors, and most recently Indians. 2009 was the inaugural year for the Red Wolves mascot.

DWTGUYKIP=Don’t Watch This Game Unless Your Kid Is Playing

Best Player Name: Terrious Triplett of ASU.

California @ No. 12 Ohio State (-16.5)

I HATE URBAN MEYER. THEY SHOULD HAVE LOST LAST WEEK AGAINST UCF. A.J. Green wannabe, and I mean that in the most positive sense, Keenen Allen is going to have his hands full with Ohio State’s secondary. Not only does Allen need to dominate, they need to keep Braxton Miller from scrambling. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Cal has no chance. God damnit.

Best Player Name: Tyr+¬ Ellison of Cal. Oh my god that is the coolest name I’ve ever seen.

Charleston Southern @ Illinois (OFF)

Know thy opponent: located in Charleston, South Carolina; mascot is the Bucky the Buccaneer; conference is the Big South; they have never beaten an FBS school, 0-11; their colors are navy and vegas gold. They have a forum for their athletic teams. Here it is. My favorite post is by yan1989liping: Post subject: High waist shorts golden ratio take the long legs and slende. My second favorite post is by Randy in 2011: Not only will Dabnus Brickey be farting in your bookstore this Saturday, so will the rest of the ‘Sociation. Whammy! GO CHANTS! Ryan has your real breakdown this week.


Best Player Name: Mose Countryman of CSU. Their game notes do not have a pronunciation guide, good luck.

Eastern Michigan @ Purdue (-24)

I wanted to go to Eastern Michigan when I was younger. I think they had some kind of electronics program that I found really interesting. Not to mention that Ypsilanti was host to my favorite music scene at the time. Being a teenager is stupid.


Best Player Name: Mycal Swaim of Eastern Michigan. Best spelling of Michael ever.

Boston College @ Northwestern (-3.5)

I was in attendance for last week’s epic comeback win by the Wildcats. That is most likely the reason why I’ve been sick all week. My immune system is not as strong as I thought it was. It was totally worth it though, seeing the NU defense shut down baby Rodgers in the second half. Venric Mark also has to be the fastest back in college football. In discussions with the Midway Madness crew about the quarterback situation, my belief is that Trevor Siemian should be playing at least 60% of the offensive snaps. Kain Colter‘s arm just isn’t as polished enough and I’d prefer the Wildcats to start with a lead rather than come back and then put in Siemian. Boston College lost to a bad Miami team to start the season, but came back to hand Maine a much deserved beating. This game will be close.

Best Player Name: Griff Rogan of Boston College.

UMass @ No. 17 Michigan (-47)

This game is just so pointless.


Navy @ Penn State (-7)

It was so damn funny seeing Sam Ficken go 1/5 in field goals last week against Virginia. I guess wide receiver Shawney Kersey finally got the picture and walked off the team this past week. Good for him, but he should have saved his summer by quitting last season. Keep drinking that Nittany Lion haterade.


Best Player Name: Gee Gee Greene of Navy.

Northern Iowa @ Iowa (OFF)

Weird that this match up doesn’t have a line. Iowa was only able to score six points against their rivals last week and Northern Iowa kept the game close in Camp Randall. The Panthers all-time record against the Hawkeyes is 1-14. That one win dates back to 1898, the fourth year of the football program. Don’t freak out if Northern Iowa wins. Don’t freak out when I told you not to watch this game. The UNI women’s volleyball and basketball teams are offering tickets to 25 events for only $20. WHAT A DEAL!

Best Player Name: Nico Law of Iowa.

Ball State @ Indiana (-3)

I just realized that Indiana never plays Notre Dame. They play the other two Indiana schools, but not Notre Dame. I feel that it is necessary that the two teams set up a game in three years when Gunner Kiel is the quarterback for the Irish so the Hoosiers can smash his skull in. About this game, the Cardinals were able to beat Eastern Michigan and put up 27 against Clemson, so with a quick assumption this game should stay close. IU wins though because they my team.

Best Player Name: Carlutorbantu Zaramo of Ball State. No idea. He’s from Ohio.

No. 20 Notre Dame @ No. 10 Michigan State (-5.5)

This is the big daddy. This is what college football is all about. This doesn’t make any sense why the Spartans aren’t favorites by at least 10 points. Does anyone remember that ND won last week on a last second field goal against Purdue? This game is AT Michigan State. Michigan State is arguably the best team in the Big Ten, with easily the best defense. The Irish gave up four sacks and only were able to achieve 54 yards on the ground against the Boilermakers. What the hell are the Spartans going to do? Still, this game should have the most entertainment value out of the bunch. Our guy Eric Marselle agrees with me.

Utah State @ Wisconsin (-13.5)

Utah State is located in Logan, Utah. The enrollment for the institution sits at around 29,000 for undergrads and graduates. Their nickname is the Aggies and their mascot is Big Blue. Their fight song has the following lyrics: “Utah State, hey, Aggies all the way, Go Aggies Go Aggies HEY HEY HEY.” I’ll be damned if a 10-year-old didn’t write that song. Wisconsin should secede itself from the Big Ten union if they lose to Utah State this Saturday. I don’t care if the Aggies are 2-0 against Southern Utah and Utah, this game should be won by 21 points.

Best Player Name: Bridger Peck

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