Lately, I’ve had this habit of waking up on the floor. As much as I wish I could give all the credit to some neurological disorder or alcoholism, I just can’t. Well, alcohol is involved. But I have that shit under control. Don’t let any mattress sleeper tell you differently.
Basically, you mix 60-hour work weeks with four Bud Light ____ -a-Rita’s in quick succession while watching MLB network and you’re (kickass Local H reference in 3, 2, 1…) Bound For the Floor.
The apt route to that necessary intro would have been me LoL’ing my way into “I Sleep on the floor because these Hawks games are always going into overtime and then I just collapse where I am because I am a man baby.” I could’ve done that, but I got a sneak preview at Mark Lazerus’ column and decided to go another route. In English. *Yuk Yuk Yuk*
It’s funny how twitter, among every other thing it can do, turns hockey viewership into some sort of competition in and of itself.
“I have to be up at 3 a.m. and Shawzie can’t score for me?”
“Lawl. I’ve been up since 3 a.m. and have to be at work in 10 minutes.”
“Why are you in my mentions ass face?”
“Fuck you’re grandmother.”
I treasure my conversations with Mackinley Salk as much as the next guy, but wowzer.
Nobody is putting guns to our heads or force feeding us ____-a-Rita’s in order to stay up and watch these games. You stay up because you want to watch because you enjoy it and you’re willing to be a little extra tired the next shift because of it. Or, you go to bed because you’re an important asset to your company, Patrick Kane doesn’t pay your bills and you’ve got five kids to feed.
The next time someone drills a hole in you about whether or not you stayed up to watch, feel comfortable in responding in the most appropriate manner – staring blankly at them until they go away.
Let’s be honest with each other. Boring games are boring. Especially in the playoffs. Double overtimes, head-butt goals, Corey fucking Perry face. These are exciting gems that make highlight videos scream for a new Fall Out Boy or dragons imagined.
The only thing that could make these wins better is if they came against the Kings. But, it’s still a toss-up because they didn’t make the playoffs. Remember? Remember how the Kings didn’t make the playoffs?
Anyway, here I sit. Bleary eyed with a rustic feeling in the joints that only comes from canned domestic pilsner. Drinking garbage coffee and watching highlights from Game 4. Maybe that’s the funniest part. I saw the damn thing and still am watching it over and over again. Maybe I don’t need to stay up like some kind of asshole.
No. That could never work. I’m too big of a jerk to not know. What if I die? What if they die? Imagine waking up to that.
I guess I’m saying that if I take the time to ask you “how that game last night *elbow*?” and you reply with something stupid like “Oh yeah, I saw the first period but then I went to bed,” I pretty much don’t trust you and you’re probably a bad person.
And stop blaming the league for late starts. Suck it up. You’re watching other men play hockey. Not going in for a root canal.
Seriously, though. Three goals in :37 seconds? That really needs to never happen again.
Brennan is on the Twitter – @midway_brennan – and made the terrible coffee by himself. But, in his defense, the grounds are kind of old.